Connoisseur of Fake

I really love cheese. And ice cream. And milk in my coffee. But sometime in my early 40s, my body chemistry changed and those foods became the enemy of my digestive process. Yes, I’m talking about lactose intolerance.

At first, my body’s inability to process lactose was really heartbreaking. I mean, it was great to get to the bottom of all the uncomfortable symptoms, but to do that, I had to give up dairy! The great love of my life! And it turns out, I’m not one of those people who is only mildly inconvenienced by lactose. Once I stopped eating dairy in all of its forms, it was immediately and entirely clear: lactose is not for me. In the most severe way.

So, I turned to the fake stuff. Almond milk or coconut milk yogurts. Oat milk or soy milk, and once, walnut milk. Cashew cheese, tofu cheese, all the vegan cheeses. And they are… not great. Some you can sorta slap on a sandwich and get along okay with. Some are weird plasticky deaths in a shredded cheese-like form. Most of them are made from oil, but the advertising always says “plant-based” which yeah, technically canola oil is from a plant but it’s still not spinach. But I persevered in the name of milky, rich coffee and bagels with cream cheese. Eventually, I became an expert in fake dairy products. Planet Oat’s Unsweetened Extra Creamy Oatmilk foams up wonderfully when I make my morning latte.¹

And you’re thinking, Marcella—just take some Lactaid! Well, I tried. I tried up to 4 Lactaid tablets at a time and they didn’t work. There’s nothing quite so disheartening as taking medicine that fails you. Because you suffer. A lot. As it turns out, Lactaid is a weirdly low dose of lactase. I found lactase pills on Amazon with two or three times the dose and those worked. Those worked so well, I went to Sweden and ate so much cheese and Prinsesstårta, I ran out of pills before the vacation was over. Trapped in Europe with no lactase!

In conclusion: take the miracle pill when you find one. Have fun storming the castle. Believe in true love. And eat cheese (fake or real). 

To the Books!

April 26 is Indie Bookstore Day. Get yourself to an independent bookstore (or shop bookshop.org) and buy something!!

Books Added to My Wishlist

Serial Killer Support Group by Saratoga Schaefer: I’m a sucker for female serial killers or woman-out-for-revenge stories.

Books I Read

The Unworthy by Agustina Bazterrica (trans. by Sarah Moses): I really felt something for the nameless female narrator subject to terrible abuse while caught up in a violent situation that is at once a horror and a refuge from the apocalyptic world outside. This is a short horror novel but it unravels the narrator’s story quite slowly, with really heartrending detail and such sympathetic characterization. You’ll hate as the narrator hates, love as she loves, and piece together a whole destroyed world as she gathers her memories and processes them. Truly, an amazing read. 5 stars.  

But Not Too Bold by Hache Pueyo: Neither as romantic or fantastical as a book about a spider-person threatening to eat (and possibly falling in love with) her new assistant led me to believe it would be. I found it entertaining but not moving. 3 stars.

The Village Library Demon Hunting Society by CM Waggoner: I don’t typically read cozy mysteries but this one caught my eye. At first, I thought the book was maybe too cozy for me-- all bite and no blood, but then weird things started happening and it got really fun. 4 stars.

Books I Gave Up On

My library does this annoying thing with new releases where they have 7 day lending periods. Which, even for me, the speediest speed reader around, is not enough time! And even though my library no longer charges overdue fees, the guilt is so great, I always return the books. So I had to send back Serial Killer Support Group before I even cracked it open. Same for Something in the Walls by Daisy Pearce. 

Legendborn by Tracy Deonn: I’m really struggling to read YA guys. Even though this book came highly recommended by friends and BookTok, I just couldn’t get past 50 pages. I’m not giving up! I will circle back. It’s just not the book for me at this time. 

Cat Pic of the Month

I’m moving, which means that the home inspector came to the house and was unable to complete his inspection because a 9lb cat with three legs hissed at him from the bath tub. Now, he’s rescheduled and I have to ensure there is no cat in the bath tub this time.

Show Me the Noods!

For my birthday, we went to Olivero and I had the best, most amazing spaghetti I have ever had in my life. I fell in love with noodles all over again.

Did I take a picture of said noodles? No.

So, here is a picture of mom’s spaghetti with a meat sauce. It was pretty good, too.

1  Every morning I wake up and make a latte on my DeLonghi automatic espresso machine because I am that bougie.